HOLY SHIT, I HAVE A BLOG FOLLOWER!

So I signed in a little while ago to start working on a new blog entry and to clean up my layout a bit. You know, I figured if I wanted to be all fancy pants with this blogging thing, I should have a button on my blog for people to click on to follow me on Twitter. (Side bar: I am now completely addicted to Twitter and regularly kill my cell battery due to refreshing to see what my delightful 92 followers are up to!)

But lo and behold, upon my signing in, Blogger tells me that I have ::pause for dramatic effect:: a FOLLOWER. Not just a Twitter follower, but a blog follower!

So a BIG shoutout to follower numero uno, Jeff! Welcome to the wonderful world of The Incident. It's a pleasure to have you aboard this crazy ride! And thanks for the follow on Twitter too. If you ever have a topic that you'd like me to try and tackle here on The Incident Report, let me know.

OK. Fine. I know what you other skeptical bastards are thinking. "Come on, Incident, it's one person." Well go ahead you other people who stumble upon my blog and see this entry and laugh at me. But, to a novice blogger trying to find their way in this crazy thing the kids are calling the inter-web, having one person follow my BLOG, not just following me on Twitter, is a freaking honor. I now have a captive audience of AT LEAST one that I know I'm writing for. And that makes me want to keep writing.

To all you other novice bloggers out there, here's hoping you get your first Jeff.

- The Incident

Things That Make You Go Hmmm ... Part Deux

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I've been trying to find something to write about that would be worthy of whomever decided to make the 100th visit to my blog, but I think I've been suffering from writer's mono. It's much more serious than writers block, believe me. You're unable to lift heavy topics for blogging because your spleen might burst, and you're so tired you may just pass out at the keyboard.

I've asked my vastly expanded follower base on Twitter for a few suggestions (I appreciate you all!), but it appears that the idea well is a bit dry at the moment. I suppose that's to be expected. We are, after all, coming up on Memorial Day weekend so people are thinking about grilling, how they're going to fit into their swimsuits as that last minute bleach-banana-peel-and-cayenne-pepper cleanse diet just didn't quite do the trick, and battling the traffic on the roads. That being said, I think it's time I revisit "Things That Make You Go Hmmm" and put it in for a second installment. Below you will find a list of some more things that have made me go "hmmm" recently.

• Still wondering since I first wrote it, What, exactly, is Lady Gaga? And why do I keep buying his/her/its songs?
• Why am I so damned addicted to "Glee?"
• "Glee" will be featuring songs by Lady Gaga tonight. Did my mention of the above two bullet points just create a black hole in the universe?
• How is it that Heidi Montag Pratt decided to follow me on Twitter?
• Who has their head shoved further up their collective asses in relation to the BP Oil spill - BP for not having a book FULL of contingency plans in case there was an oil spill, the Federal Government for not having their own book AND for now having to rely on BP's non-existent book of contingency plans, or Sarah Palin for saying that this whole thing is the Fed's fault. (I'm sorry, lady, but weren't you creaming your GOP purchased panties whenever a crowd broke out into "Drill Baby, Drill!" not all that long ago?)
• Two words. Rand Paul.
• Three words. The Tea Party.
• Why do I find it so difficult to be snarky and witty in the maximum 140 characters when I Tweet?
• Why am I hungry right now? I just ate something. Damnit.
• How did Paris Hilton's full album get on to my iPod?
• Where should I go on vacation this summer? I really have to get away ...
• Do my Twitter followers and readers of this blog wonder if I'm a chick or a dude or if I'm more than one person?
• Is "Things That Make You Go Hmmm" going to be a regular blog post here at "The Incident Report?"
• What asshole at Millions of Milkshakes decided that Perez Hilton fell into the "celebrity" category and let him come up with his own milkshake flavor?
• If I could be a celebrity, what would my milkshake flavor be?
• Why haven't I won the lottery yet? Statistics be damned!
• Why can't a judge send Lindsay Lohan to jail before she kills someone or herself?
• When will I do the next installment of "Things That Make You Go Hmmm?"

Tune in regularly to find out. Remember, if you have a topic that you'd like me to try and conquer here at The Incident Report, send it to me on Twitter where you can find me as @IncidentReport. Thanks for your support and see you in cyberspace!

- The Incident

License and Registration, Please

No one likes to get pulled over by the cops. If you're anything like me, you start thinking about any possible illegal thing that you may have done in the past, oh, I don't know, five years. "There was that one time that I jay walked," or "Damnit, I was indeed talking on my cellphone without using an ear piece." Sometimes I even get so paranoid that I start thinking along the lines of, "Do I look like anyone on the current FBI's Most Wanted List," or "This cop is going to think that I am reaching for something other than the registration that I keep in my glove compartment and I'm going to get tazered in the back of the head." (Side bar: Why is it called the "glove compartment?" I don't know anyone with hands big enough to need gloves of that magnitude, except for Sasquatch, and he doesn't do a whole lot of driving.)

I must say that I haven't been pulled over many times in my life - I am a pretty decent driver. The four times that I can recall were for the following reasons:

• Blowing off a red light at 3:30 AM when there were absolutely no other drivers on the road ... except for the car that I watched pull up behind me at the light after double checking to make sure it WASN'T a cop (damnit). I was lucky enough not to get a ticket that time, but got verbal warning. And as a result, no matter WHAT time it is, I don't blow off red lights (unless I'm already moving on a yellow light).
• Speeding. There was a car that had been in front of me (going down a mountain, literally) that kept slamming on its breaks and there was a cop behind me. When I got off the mountain, I passed the car in front of me and took off - I needed some space between our cars because I was really irritated. And then the cop pulled me over. That time I got two written warnings. One for the speeding (although the cop never bothered to tell me how fast I was going, nor did he write it down on the warning), and another for not having proof of insurance even though it wasn't my car and my friend had thrown out the most current insurance card and kept the expired one. Stellar. But now a days, I really won't go more than 5 over on residential streets and no more than 10 over on the highways.
• Following too closely. Yeah ... apparently I was following a police officer too closely. She didn't feel that I had left enough space in between her cruiser and my car. At one point, she slammed on her breaks to try and get me to rear-end her (which she actually told me when she pulled me over was my "warning" - I had thought she was trying to miss a squirrel). I quite honestly didn't know I was tailgating and when I asked her what the legal space was for traveling behind a police officer, she told me 250 feet. When I later looked it up, that space requirement was for officers responding to an emergency with lights and sirens (she had neither on). She gave me a written warning. And as a result, I now make sure that there's three seconds of space in between me and the car in front of me, and at stops I make sure I can see the bottoms of the back tires of the car in front of me.
• Failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. This one I got a ticket for (despite the fact that I thought I was going to pee my pants and was less than a minute from my house which is the whole reason I didn't stop all the way at the sign - cop didn't buy it). The most irritating thing about this one is that my father had the trap set (he's not a cop, just a neighborhood watch type of guy). There were a lot of complaints of people blowing off that stop sign, so he got the trap set. OH, and he forgot to tell me about it. Stellar. But now, I come to a complete stop at all stop signs. Which, I might add, gets me beeped at, cussed at, etc. I had one person speed past me, hang out their window, cuss me off, give me the finger, lay on their horn, ALL IN THE OTHER LANE OF ON COMING TRAFFIC, and then cut me off while blowing through the next stop sign. The one where I, again, came to a complete stop. Where was a cop then?

I guess you could say that all of the times I've been pulled over really did teach me a lesson. Sometimes I wonder if it works on other drivers. I'm guessing probably not.

The one thing that pisses me off beyond belief is that people STILL talk on their cell phones without a head piece (regardless of whether or not it's legal or illegal to do so in your state). I know the research says that the distraction is less to do with holding the phone and more to do with the conversation, but there is no need to add to the chaos by taking a hand off the wheel to hold the phone. USE AN EARPIECE! I also hate the fact that I can drive by 5 cops in a day and every damn one of them is on their cell phone and also NOT using an ear piece. ARGH!

No matter how many times I've been pulled over though, I still feel like I'm going to hurl. I get freaked out and think that I'm going to be dragged "downtown," accused of a crime I didn't commit, the object of mistaken identity with no alibi to make everything go away and an incompetent legal aid attorney that wouldn't be able to get the judge to give me bail.

And then I think, "Man ... I watch way too much 'Law & Order'."

- The Incident

Weird News Day

So I've been sitting here for a little bit, trying to figure out what I could possibly blog about today. Usually I look to the news (CNN.com, FOX.com, Google News, etc.) for inspiration. But alas, the only thing that is striking me is that pretty much EVERYTHING is weird news today.

Take for example, the current front page of CNN.com (as pictured above). When I arrived and scrolled down to the "Don't Miss" section, I found the following: a story detailing "What those Dreams Really Mean" (translation: why it's a bad idea to eat 3 Chalupas and drink a large milkshake right before bed), a story quoting Bret Michaels statement that he's "lucky to be alive" (side bar: No shit he's lucky to be alive. And I'm not talking about the recent bleeding from his brain stem. Bless his heart, he seems to be a good guy but what with having diabetes and partying like the rock star he is, I'm amazed he's lasted this long!), and a headline reading, "New Dating Site for Apple Lovers" (which means that there really IS some truth to that "I'm a Mac," "I'm a PC" nonsense after all).

But I think my favorite WTF news headline is for a video, which I refuse to watch, entitled, "Fans toss panties, bras, at rapper Drake."

I will repeat that.

"Fans toss panties, bras, at rapper Drake."

I realize that the big news about the Times Square Would-be-Bomber and the tragedy in Tennessee get the top billing (as they should), but usually the section right below contains ACTUAL news. Not just silly filler. There's other crap in there that makes me shake my head.

Honestly, after seeing that crap, I think I'm spent. My brain now hurts. I have brain freeze without the benefit of having enjoyed a delightfully cold beverage and/or snack. How could the editorial staff at CNN.com say, "By God, we have to run the bit about the ladies throwing their undergarments at that rapper!" Bastards.

- The Incident

Lions and Tigers and Pollen, Oh My ... Wait. What?

Once again, at the request of a dedicated Twitter follower, I am writing today's blog post on the topic of allergies.

While I do believe that flowers have a certain appeal and while I do enjoy the shade of a tree in the summertime, I really wish there was an alternate to the yearly explosion of pollen from grass, trees, and the like. I hate the bi-yearly tradition where I fall into a miserable tailspin of watery eyes, sneezing fits, and using enough Kleenex (product plug!) that really has me considering buying stock in the company in the spring and in the fall.

What I would really like to know is just where in the hell my body stores all the snot that comes out of my head when my allergies kick in. I have been known to use a box of Kleenex in less than 8 hours. Sneeze, blow my nose, sneeze, blow my nose, blow my nose some more, sneeze, blow my brains out of my nostrils, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, eyes start watering, sneeze, sneeze. By the time I'm done, it's a miracle that I am still hydrated and haven't lost 3 to 5 pounds.

Claratin (product plug!) is a life saver, in my humble opinion. Thank GOD that company wised up and started to let people buy it without having to have a prescription. I'm sure they're selling tons of it now. And I'll tell you what, it does work in a pinch!

I don't really understand the science behind pollen - the different types, etc. But I can tell you this. I was taking a drive with a friend this past weekend and we had the windows down in the car. All of the sudden, I smelled something (no one farted, it wasn't a skunk) and my friend's eyes started watering uncontrollably, then I started in with my sneezing symphony. There was a distinct plant-blooming type smell that hit us like a brick wall. It was the first time that had ever happened to me, but by God, I'm glad that whatever that pollen producing plant was isn't blooming in my back yard! It was a miracle that we were able to stay on the road. Stupid pollen. Stupid allergies.

- The Incident