Where's My Sock Monkey? He Was Supposed to Pick Me up An Hour Ago!

A few days ago, one of my friends and I were watching TV and that Kia Sorento ad came on - I'm sure you know the one. It features (left to right, as pictured above) our friends Mr. X, Robot, Muno, Sock Monkey, and Teddy Bear, all cruising around in their flashy Kia Sorento. (click here to see the full ad that originally aired during the Super Bowl).

While we were watching the ad, which I have seen countless times and quite enjoy, I suddenly found myself laughing quite uncontrollably. My friend could not get me to stop. "What is so funny?" "Can you breathe?" "Please don't pee your pants, I just cleaned the covers on that sofa." Those were all comments made while the ad ran its course on TV.

When I finally caught my breath and stopped laughing, I was able to explain that the song playing in the background ("How You Like Me Now" by The Heavy) was really to blame. I turned to my friend and said, "How You Like Me Now? Well, if I'm being honest, Sock Monkey, you're a bitch for not picking me up and taking me for a ride sooner!" And then I broke into hysterics again.

Perhaps this needs more of an explanation. Often times, for no apparent reason, my mind will visualize things that cannot happen. For instance, I frequently laugh when I hear the title track to "The Sound of Music" because I envision a tiny, snow capped mountain with sharp rock teeth chasing me. Per the lyrics, "The hills are alive ..." That's really all it takes.

But this ad takes things a step further. The Sock Monkey, in my opinion, is the star of the ad. He rides the mechanical bull, he drives the car, he gets a tattoo. This is a Sock Monkey that I could quite easily get along with. The beauty part is that I didn't have to imagine what it would be like to hang out with this gang of toys - the proof is in the ad! I don't want to go out and buy the car (sorry, Kia), but I ABSOLUTELY do want that damn Sock Monkey to hurry up and get to my house so we can go on a road trip and cause shenanigans across the Continental U.S.!!!

So seriously, where the hell is Sock Monkey? The clock is ticking and I really want to step out on the town.

- The Incident

The Gosselin Family: A Glimpse into an American Trainwreck

Let me start this blog post with the following statement ... I do not like Jon or Kate Gosselin. You know, the "celebrity" couple who had that TLC show "Jon & Kate Plus 8." Oh, TLC, you witty, witty name creators you!


These people are only a celebrity couple because she has the ability to carry and birth multiple children at a time and/or he has super sperm (with a little help from some fertility drugs). Pretty creepy. I think celebrities should be celebrities because they have some talent and not because they were cast for a reality show but perhaps I should leave THAT for another day.


As you may or may not know, Jon and Kate recently split up. Apparently he was sleeping with at least one chick who could have been the nanny for his litter of children. Not that Kate is the nicest person to get along with in the world (so it's been rumored) ... she's a diva who allegedly ignores her children for a good portion of the time, demands free stuff, etc., etc.

But here's what really ticks me off. Shortly after the pair split up, Jon went to "live it up" with his freakishly young gal-pals (perhaps these young ladies enjoy his hair plugs - which he only has as a result of Kate's ability to get freebies on demand). He hobnobbed in Vegas, hung out with the illustrious Michael Lohan (the lowlife father to Lindsay Lohan), requested and is receiving alimony, and was very VERY visibly missing from his children's lives. He apparently went on a ski trip, left the kids with a nanny who he didn't know very well, and stayed out until 3 AM getting hammered at a local bar. What a classy guy!

In a new twist, because Kate is participating on "Dancing With The Stars," and travelling a lot to LA to film the show (the litter resides in the state of Pennsylvania), Jon has decided to file suit against his former wife to try and get full custody.

Kate is a provider. She gets free trips, free clothes, etc., for her children. She writes books that people apparently read. She negotiated with the TLC folks and has another installment of her show, now titled "Kate Plus 8." This woman (personality aside) can clearly get shit done and would appear to be able to negotiate with the best of them. The best Jon Gosselin managed to do was to pick up some free Ed Hardy swag, thus ruining the brand for the rest of society (an act for which he shall never be forgiven), and mopes around pathetically enough to get alimony payments from his wife. And this asshole is now claiming she is an "absentee parent" (even though she practices for the show at home and travels to LA once a week) and he should be awarded full custody. There are parents who travel MANY more days of the week than that for work, leaving their children in the hands of capable caretakers/nannies, and aren't declared "absentee parents."

All of that aside, it is clear to me that Kate has some inner desire to be famous and I can't really tell if she's using the kids to get to that goal or not. It is also clear to me that Jon is doing just about whatever he can to cling to the spotlight, and I think this new lawsuit against Kate is evidence of that.

What is also clear to me is that, somewhere along the way, both of these parents lost sight of what is truly important. And that would be THE CHILDREN. There are 8 little kids out there who are tracked by the paparazzi, filmed by a TLC camera crew constantly to make up the episodes for their reality show, and who don't get a lot of time to spend with their parents one on one because their parents are too busy worrying about themselves. It's hard enough to pay the right amount of individual attention to a clan of kids that large without all of the other nonsense in their lives, but neither parent seems to give a damn. And I think that is just really, really sad.

- The Incident

Naughty Snack Food

Once again, a Tweet from a twitter buddy has inspired me to blog. The topic today ... what is it with snack foods being named dirty names?

I'm sure most of you can think of some right off the bat: Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Twinkies.

But I did a quick Google search to see if there were more that I might have missed and, well, WOW. I mean, as I sit here thinking about it, I'm kind of amazed. There are Moon Pies, Sno Balls, Little Schoolboys, Cloud Nines, Poppycock, Screaming Yellow Zonkers, and Mini Butter Puffs. How can any adult, even an adult with the purest of minds, buy a child a Sno Ball or a Ding Dong with a straight face?

And then there's one that took the cake, or pudding I suppose because that's what it is. And it is called Spotted Dick.

Now how do you think THAT board meeting went down?

Snack Food Development Team Leader (SFDTL): "OK team, we have spent months on this product. This is the best pudding that money can buy! But we need a top-notch name so we can take those Jell-O snobs to the cleaners. What have you got for me?"

Snack Food Development Team Member 1 (SFDTM1): "Well sir, what about 'Delicious Dandy Pudding?' Because our pudding really is both delicious and dandy. I think we keep it simple and the people are going to go wild."

SFDTL: "That's not half bad. We keep it simple and tell the people what it is. Anyone else have anything to consider?"

Snack Food Development Team Member 2 (SFDTM2): "I have one, sir. What about 'Perfect Pudding.' Because clearly, our pudding is perfect. While it's an old recipie, we've made easy for people to buy and enjoy. I think 'Perfect Pudding' is the way to go."

SFDTM1: >mumbles under breath< "Spotted Dick."

SFDTM2: "What did you just call me?!?"

SFDTL: "That's it! Brilliant!"

SFDTM2: "Thank you, sir!"

SFDTL: "No not you, you idiot. I meant 'Spotted Dick.' I love it. People are going to love eating Spotted Dick!"

Ummm. Yeah. With all of these ridiculous names for snack foods out there, I'm not quite sure if I'll ever be able to go to the grocery store snack aisle again with a straight face.

- The Incident

The Great Candy Clean Out

In The Incident Household, I like to consider the day after Easter, "The Great Candy Clean Out." It fits perfectly with this time of year. People are doing their spring cleaning, putting away heavier coats for lighter coats and packing away sweaters and mittens. The Great Candy Clean Out is very similar to Spring Cleaning, but perhaps, to the layman, could be considered a bit more ... how shall I put this tactfully ... disgusting.

All year long, people give other people candy. There's Valentine's Day candy, St. Patrick's Day candy, Easter candy, 4th of July candy, Arbor day candy, Halloween candy, Hanukkah candy, Christmas candy. These candy executives have found EVERY POSSIBLE REASON, nay excuse, to make it acceptable to give someone candy for any occasion. I kid you not, I have seen advertised in certain magazines "Gummy Sacrificial Lambs" and Holy Cross shaped dip sticks (you know, the little candy stick that you lick and then put into a pouch of colored sugar and then lick again so that you're absolutely certain to fall into some sort of diabetic shock at some point?). Honestly ... THAT is how far people are taking it.

So, all year long, I graciously accept the candy that is given to me with every intention of eating all of it. I even go so far as to divide my candy into separate containers - hard candy and chocolaty candy. Why, you may ask? Well, to be perfectly frank, chocolate that tastes like mint or bubble gum from sitting co-mingled for so long is positively disgusting to your truly.

But as time wears on, I find that I'm overwhelmed. I can't eat all of it. I get so much candy that even taking it to work and putting it in a little jar in my office hardly puts a dent in the stash.

Thus the need for The Great Candy Clean Out.

The day after Easter, once I've assessed what new candy I have received, I go to my cupboard and pull down my buckets. And I sigh. Because there is candy in those buckets from LAST Easter that I need to get rid of to make way for the new candy! Peeps as hard as rocks, last year's take from Hershey on how to make the M&M's characters look like they fit in with the holiday. I begrudgingly pull out what's left from last Easter (and last Valentine's day, and any other holiday from the year before - with the exception of Christmas ... we leave those candy canes until July or so), and put it to rest in the trash can.

The one thing that I usually will hold on to are the Peeps, though. Rock Peeps. They're a tad too adorable to merely put out with old banana peels and used coffee filters. But what to DO with them? It gets me every year. And I know I'm not the only one who suffers with this dilemma, so I've come up with a few ideas on what you can do to save your Peeps and use them throughout the year without having to throw them away.

• Use your old Peeps as marshmallow replacements in hot cocoa during Christmas. Explain to your least favorite Uncle or your in-laws that you're all out of tiny marshmallows but that you have those Peeps left over from Easter and you didn't think they'd mind. This will guarantee an early exit on their part and leave you to enjoy the rest of your holiday.
• Going camping this summer? Bring the Peeps along and use them to make Smores!
• Throw them, full force, at an attacker during a home invasion. Aim for the temple and, if you hit right on target, you'll be sure to have made a citizen's arrest before the police even arrive.
• Next Valentine's Day rolls around and you want to have a romantic dinner in ... well pull out that fondue pot, get the chocolate warmed and find something that will be able to penetrate that rock solid Peep because, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Peep fondue!
• For the overly ambitious, take your Peep collection and clear out your local pharmacy of all of their clearance Peeps a few days after the holiday. When you have enough, begin a Peep sculpture to fit your fancy and make it as large as you want. If a sculpture isn't to your liking, get a glue gun and a canvas and make a picture out of the Peeps, using all of the colors in which they are now available.

As you can clearly see, there are many great uses for Peeps post-Easter, no matter what time of year it is. So take part in the Great Candy Clean Out, but remember ... treasure your Peeps, for there are so many uses for them.

- The Incident

Part of The Problem

I am often inspired by Twitter trending topics (and I have tried, unsuccessfully, to start a few of my own - cowbell as a trending topic was just plain fun though, I will admit!). When I took a look today, I was rather intrigued to see #PartOfTheProblem as a trending topic, so I clicked to see what humanity (or twitter-manity) thought part of the problem really is in this world of ours.

Admittedly, I was a tad surprised to see that part of the problem has to do with relationships. Or rather, how people think relationships should run. Granted, many of these tweets included the word "hos" and other words that I don't care to bring in to my happy little blog home. And if you're tweeting about hos, then yes, I would imagine part of the problem, or the twitter-ers problem likely DOES have to do with relationships.

There were a few tweets about not giving your heart to God, and some about Justin Bieber. For the LOVE of ALL that is good in this world, can someone PLEASE explain to me just what the appeal is with that kid? And further more, who picked him to be the lead in on "Heal The World" part two? I think THAT is part of the problem (with that particular song, anyway).

Then there were a few that stood out as rather touching. Someone noting the difficulties in writing a book and getting the character to accurately portray him/herself to the reader. Another noting the difficulty in being a good person.

In my own humble opinion, here is a list of things that I think fall into the "part of the problem" category:

• People don't appreciate their lives enough. Even though there is bad (and it sometimes seems like more bad than any one person should take), the blinders remain on to block out any bit of good.
• There's too much fighting in Washington, DC. We elect these people to go and fight for us and, once they get there, they loose sight of that and worry only about their images, paychecks, and getting re-elected (probably in that order). I find this to be the case more often than not for ALL parties.
• I want to be a millionaire but damned if that lottery hasn't worked out for me just yet.
• People have very short attention spans now a days - when was the last time the crisis in Haiti was in the news?

But I think the most important item on the part of the problem list is that people seem to have lost a common sense of kindness and courtesy towards their fellow man. How often do you ignore a homeless person on your way to work? How often do you not hold the door for someone when they're trying to walk into a building and their arms are full? How often do you ignore the person behind the cash register at the grocery store or pharmacy and not tell them to have a nice day? How often do you cut someone off in traffic, judge someone by the way they look before you know them, or talk on your cell phone in a public restroom? (That last one may seem WAAAY out of left field, but I am talking about common courtesy here too and that one is just so wrong, I can't even think straight!).

All in all, part of the problem is that people have lost the ability, interest, or desire to care about the other cohabitants on this planet. And if everyone could just take a moment to remember that, despite our differences, we're all in this together, then maybe we could be on the path to finding part of the solution.

- The Incident

You’re Getting A Sandwich At What Location?

First and foremost, let me just say … The Incident is back! After a pretty decent hiatus, I am back with more energy, more happiness, and more snarky commentary that some of you have come to know and love.

Now, onward we go to today’s blog (again, a topic recommended to me by a devoted and delightful Twitter follower – that’s right, you suggest it and I’ll take a stab at blogging it!). So here’s the question: Why has Twitter started offering people the ability to include their location in their Tweets, or perhaps more importantly, why are people using this functionality?

To be perfectly frank, I just don’t freaking get it. At all. Perhaps that’s because I prefer my anonymity – I like to write under a pen name and let people think of me what they will. It’s like I’m a character in a book … you can get your own picture of me in your head, see what I look like, what I would do in certain situations, etc. And the imagination is a very fun thing. But then the movie version comes out and the director has cast me as someone VERY different than what you had imagined. All of the sudden, in the movie version, I’m doing something that you know (or at least that your imagination knows) I would never really do. And that takes the fun out of it.

I suppose for certain celebrities or people who aren’t anonymous on Twitter, this functionality makes sense. If you have a Twitter account and a lot of your friends are following you, then they can see that you’re getting a sandwich at the corner of Main and Maple Streets and, if they too are in the neighborhood, they can come meet up with you. Although why a celebrity would want to publish where they’re getting their nails done or picking up their dry cleaning is a bit beyond me. Yes, please do give the paparazzi another reason to destroy your life. Unless of course you’re a “celebrity” for no real reason and you’re grasping at straws to hang on to the public eye (Heidi Montag Pratt comes to mind – poor little dear). Now for Heidi to publish where she’s getting her nails done, or where she’s going to get her latest plastic surgery taken care of so that perhaps a paparazzi will follow (or a crazed fan), then I guess it makes sense too.

And then there is Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson. (Sidebar: If I ever meet him, I will say, “Chad Johnson, it is a pleasure to meet you.” I will NOT address him as “Ochocinco.” I can’t even begin to imagine what his mother and father thought when he legally changed his name.) This guy apparently doesn’t have a personal assistant. Rather, he will tweet or post on Facebook where he is or what he’s doing and ask his followers for help. In Miami and looking for a good mechanic? He posts and, within minutes, his fans from all across the world give him suggestions. Not sure how to use that pesky new XM Radio? No problem! Just ask your civilian friends for help and the suggestions will come pouring in. In this instance of the Twitter “I’m at X location,” I can see how one can benefit and frankly, I applaud him for saving money and using this functionality for everything it’s worth!

At any rate, like I said, for those of us who prefer to remain anonymous like characters in a good novel, this functionality is a killer. If you knew where we were, then you might start to think of us differently. And where indeed is the fun in that?

- The Incident