She is Pissed ...

Soooo, I'm pretty sure we're all doing something wrong. The world is pissed. Like, the literal world - the earth and dirt and sea and sand. She is pissed big time. And that might just be an understatement.

(Side bar: I'm calling the earth a "she" here because it makes it easier to get my point across. I can say things like, "Planet earth is a bitch," and "Planet earth is clearly PMSy," a lot easier if the reader has it in their mind that the earth is a she. Referring to the menstrual cycle of a "he" earth would be a little too much for me to ask of a reader to accept.)

I believe I first knew something was up when Haiti got completely ravaged by an earthquake that killed over 100,000 people. There's a part of me that just does not believe these things happen for no reason. Weathermen and women of the world can tell you that certain things happen in the atmosphere, blah-blah-blah, and that's why earthquakes and hurricanes and blizzards, etc., happen. I suppose I can buy into that with one natural disaster, but not with so many happening so close together.

So now we've got the earthquake in Chile, the tsunami that hit there, and its subsequent 32 aftershocks (at last count). Been watching the news and they're still trying to figure out how bad it is down there - I would wager a guess that it's not as bad as Haiti, but still really bad. And on top of that, we've got tsunami warnings a-plenty out for places like Japan, Russia, and Hawaii.

The deal was sealed for me on this whole, "We must be doing something wrong" bit, when I heard there was a tsunami threat for Russia.

Tsunami. Russia.

Let that sink in for a minute. Does that completely wrinkle your brain? If it doesn't, then it should. Or you're a geologist who can understand all the science behind how that's possible. Maybe I have tsunami racism or something and think that those things can only really happen in nice, warm, pleasant places with palm trees and the like, not in a land so cold and doused with vodka. But I think that the possibility of a tsunami reaching the shores of Russia is clearly indicative of the human race, as a whole, just plain doing something wrong.

Maybe we litter too much. Maybe we just aren't being nice enough to each other. Maybe the earth is paying us back for the invention of the SUV and her punishment goes out with props to the soccer moms of the world who gallantly cart 2 children to and from practice each day in a car that can accommodate up to 8.

I'd like to believe the weather people and buy in to the information they're providing. Watching the news this morning and their coverage in particular of the ring of fire, how the plates work, etc, is very reminiscent of 7th grade science and it's pretty cool to see how we can now forecast, to the hour, when a big wave is going to hit Hawaii.

(Side bar: If you're in Hawaii and you are a surfer, do NOT take the tsunami sirens as an open invitation to grab your board and hit the beach. I say this in all seriousness while at the same time realizing that that is exactly what some people are going to do ...)

But if my gut is right, and all of this natural disaster nonsense that's been going on recently is a sign that the earth is pissed, then I urge everyone to stop and think about what they're doing before they do it. If you see someone fall down, help them up ... don't just walk by like you can't see.

Think about it.

- The Incident

Technology's Impact on Humanity

"Has technology really advanced us human beings? Or is it that the technology is advancing past us?"

Does that wrinkle your brain? Well, it did mine! A devoted Twitter pal and follower submitted this question to me when I called upon the Twitterverse to give me a topic on which to blog. Not one to ignore the requests of my fans, I will address this topic in this new blog while I patiently await my Cinnabon (product plug!).

In my humble opinion, I do believe that technology has advanced the human race. I frequently find myself wondering at work when the wireless Internet goes down and we're waiting for IT to fix it, just what in the hell people would do at work before the Internet. How did they cope? Did everyone have a book or some needlepoint at their desk for the slow times? How did you pretend to be productive when you were bored and your boss was watching you? You can have a Word document open at all times on your work computer and give the impression that you're working on something. Back in the day, if that typewriter wasn't going, well then son, you were up the creek without a paddle!

Think about it - when you're at work and you have a lunch break or need to stop thinking about work things, what do you do? I'm willing to bet that you open up your Internet browser and check out a news website (or your favorite blog - this one! - hahaha) to see what's going on in the world, or at least your portion of the world. I'm sure most folks have ordered something from online at work too - either for themselves or for the office. Back in the day, you'd have to get on the phone with the local paper supply company to order those 20 reams of paper. Now you just go to an office supply website and get everything from paper to coffee to pens to, well, whatever you want.

Because of all the technology available to us in the current age, we can tweet from the dinner table, check Facebook from the beach, take video of people doing stupid stuff while we're out and about, etc. But just because this technology has advanced the human race, I'm not necessarily sold on the fact that the technology has been a turn for the better in all instances.

Have you ever seen the TV ad for Macy's when all the celebrities who have lines at Macy's sit down for a "family" dinner? There's an extended version of this where Martha Stewart takes away Mariah Carey's cell phone and says something witty like, "We don't Tweet while we eat." Let's be honest, because of technology, more people get killed while driving because some idiot has to talk or text and drive. Because of technology, even I, a devoted lover of all things news, can find the 24/7/365 news coverage of every little thing just a bit overkill. Honestly, I don't need Breaking News updates a la Twitter regarding how many women Tiger Woods slept with. By the same token, I do appreciate Breaking News updates a la Twitter on things like the situation in Haiti or the war in Afghanistan. Because of technology, I think we have generally all become a little bit more impatient with each other.

That being said, because of technology, we can diagnose and cure certain types of cancers which, as little as 15 years ago, would have meant a death sentence. Because of technology, helmets and special swimsuits can cut down Olympic athletes times in their respective sports by hundredths of seconds - which can be the difference between silver and gold.

To address the second part of the question asked, "Or is it that the technology is advancing past us," I think we're on the borderline here. When I think about how quickly we've gone from the standard cell phone used in the late 90's to the standard cell phone used today, I'm a little bit shocked. You pretty much need something like a BlackBerry, iPhone, or Droid to get by in life now. Unless you are Jack Nicholson. Jack does not have a cell phone. I'm pretty sure he's the only celebrity who can get away with that, too. When you're Jack Nicholson, you don't have to worry about being in touch with the world. The world has to be worried about being in touch with Jack Nicholson.

I guess in the past 2 to 3 years, I've noticed that it's starting to get more and more difficult to keep up with all the latest technology. It used to be easy. You'd have 6 months or so to get used to a new type of technology. Now, everything is changing super fast and once you think you've mastered the art of how to use a new app on your phone, there's a better app, and OH, by the way, your new cell phone that you bought 6 months ago is up for it's own exhibit at the Smithsonian on early technology.

Tough question. Hopefully my thoughts did it justice. If you have a topic you'd like me to blog about, follow me on Twitter (@incidentreport) and tweet it to me, baby!

- The Incident

Happy Valentine's Day: Tips to Survive the Day in this Economy

Another year, another Valentine's Day. If you didn't know that today is Valentine's Day then shame on you. Your local retailer (Target, Walmart, CVS, Walgreens, etc.) have had a section devoted to February 14th since at LEAST January 1st. And if you're like me and waited until yesterday to get a card, you likely will have noticed among the bare shelves that not only has the St. Patrick's Day stuff found itself a shelf, but the Easter crap has also started to be put out now. (Side bar: Can't we enjoy one holiday before being reminded that another one is coming up in a few months? Stop cramming holidays down my throat, retailers!!!)

We all know that the economy is an absolute piece of crap right now. Not everyone has the money to get that dozen roses, box-o-chocolates, perfume, large teddy bear, or other cliched Valentine's day gift. What is a guy or gal to do? Well, leave it to The Incident to come up with a few ideas for you that won't break the bank. I offer you the following "strong economy" selections with the "shitty economy" alternative for this Valentine's Day!

Strong Economy: Sentimental Hallmark Card with glitter, pretty fonts, & poems
Shitty Economy: Piece of paper, cut out in a heart shape, with a fitting poem or song lyrics written on it in your own John Hancock. (If you have the extra funds, splurge on a doily and rock that bitch third grade Valentine's style!)

Strong Economy: One dozen red dozes delivered to your sweetheart
Shitty Economy: One red carnation with a little note tied to it

Strong Economy: Box of Godiva chocolate truffles
Shitty Economy: Bag of Valentine's Day themed M&M's

Strong Economy: Giant stuffed teddy bear
Shitty Economy: Medium to small stuffed animal of any kind from your local Dollar Store

Strong Economy: Beyonce's new fragrance
Shitty Economy: There is no alternative here. Do not, I repeat, do NOT buy any smell-a-like perfume. You can't get that smell out and no matter what the box says, they never smell the same. You're likely to ruin the mood and make everyone vomit. Remember "Sex Panther" from Anchorman? Yeah ... same deal.

Strong Economy: Dinner at a nice restaurant and a movie out
Shitty Economy: Chinese delivery and Netflix

So there you have it. Cheap ways to survive this Hallmark Holiday in this shitty economy. Hope everyone survives the day - single or accounted for!

- The Incident

An Open Letter of General Irritation

First thing's first - I apologize profusely for being away from my little home on the world wide web for so long. It's just not a nice thing to do to my loyal readers! But I would like to offer you all a bit of an explanation ...

I am currently stationed in a location which has been experiencing a rather ridiculous weather pattern recently. I lost power for about 36 hours and have spent the better part of 5 days being stressed out about stupid weather, how to keep my home safe and in one piece, etc.

I completely understand and appreciate that, for lack of a better phrase, shit happens and said shit includes weather related events. But what I do not understand is the lack of communication from regional government agencies and general service industries to the public at large BEFORE said weather events.

In this day in age, weather forecasting has progressed to the point where, when a major weather event is pending, everyone knows about it. It's what drives people to clear grocery store shelves of bread, milk, toilet paper, and bottled water. If you work for a government agency or for a utility company, you likely have heard the news and are also probably running out to the store to score yourself some of the essentials.

So why in the hell don't you do a little PR work ahead of time?


Would it be too much to ask for the local power company to get a few representatives on the local news ahead of a weather event to say, "Folks may experience power outages. We are preparing to have all our teams ready to go in the event there are widespread power outages. But you can do your part to be prepared, so here is a list of things to have on hand in the event your power goes out and here are things you can do to stay warm if your power goes out."


Most people know to have batteries, a radio, a normal phone (since cordless phones won't work), water, canned goods, and food you can eat without having to cook on hand if your power goes out. But not everyone knows that they should close off rooms, pull curtains, etc., to help keep rooms warm if the power goes out.


And another thing, when you're without power and freezing your ass off for more than 10 hours in this very digital age, no one wants to call a phone number and get an automated message. You want to get a human on the phone. You want to say, "I'm sorry, I know you guys are trying, but can you tell me when you might have my power back on?" A pre-recorded message stating that you should "make alternate plans" when the weather event is in progress does nothing but infuriate people. If I should have made alternate plans, it would have been nice to know that ahead of time, OK assholes? Let me know two days ago that I should have made alternate plans, not one day in to my lack of electricity hell.


In closing, I would like to assure everyone that I am warm for the time being (and safe) but that I could loose power again at any minute. Really what I want is a nice long weekend where I can do nothing but sit on my ass and be warm and not think about anything serious - only trivial crap. That could be awhile. But if you're reading this and you know anyone in local government or who works for a utility company or the like, please let them know that this blogger thinks the appropriate course of action is to give people plenty of fair warning and be helpful in advance. Don't do what the average Joe does and wait until the last minute or until it's too late to be of any help.


- The Incident

Glorious Day! Behold, a New Ketchup Packet!

To some they are "ketchup packets." To others they are "catsup packets." I call them "ketchup packets," and to be perfectly honest, I would rather not have anyone put them in my bag-o-fast food. Why? Because they're irritating. There's not enough ketchup in one ketchup packet to command the respect of more than 2 french fries. Let alone the fact that you have to daintily have to rip the packet open with your teeth because the grease from your fast food makes tearing them open with your hands impossible. And whilst you rip the packets open with your teeth, you are praying that you're not going to tear the damn packet too far and thus end up with ketchup on your favorite pair of jeans.

Ketchup packet haters rejoice!!! Heinz has finally come to their senses and made some revisions to the old, stupid ketchup packets.

The full press release on this brilliant new concept can be read here, however I can cover the basics: you know the little container you use to dip your nuggets in? Well THAT is what you can now look forward to using for your ketchup purposes. WOOOOOO! The new packets even look like little Heinz Ketchup bottles. And, for those freaks out there who actually enjoy ripping the tops off your ketchup packets and pouring the ketchup out in the lid of your burger box or on your chicken sandwich wrapper, well, you can STILL do that with these nifty little packets. And, as if this news couldn't get any better, there's more than a freakin' pin head's amount of ketchup in these bad boys.

My God. If only there were more little things that got me this stoked ... I'd hardly know what to do with myself.

I think we'll have to wait little while for them to be available on the market, but I can't wait for the day when I can go to a drive through and, when the nice person at the window asks if I want ketchup, I can answer with a resounding, "Yes!"

- The Incident

Dear 19 Visitors ...

Dear 19 Visitors to my Humble Little Blog -

I just wanted to take this opportunity to say "Thank You" for coming by my personal little space on the World Wide Web. I've only been at this for about two weeks (I think), but I'm impressed that I've had this many visits. Granted, I think I make up for about 6 of them ... it took me a while to figure out how to block my IP address from the counter at the bottom of my blog.

So I guess I should say, Dear 13 Visitors to my Humble Little Blog. Alas, I digress.

As those of you who have visited can plainly read, my mind is all over the place. From terrorism to the Crisis in Haiti to the Jersey Shore ... I write about whatever comes to mind. I must be candid with you now, dear reader. This evening I find myself very tired, thus I didn't have a chance to do what I usually do in order to get the creative juices flowing through my typing fingers. I usually just check a few news sites and see if anything pops out. If it pops, it gets written about. What's that they say about Pringles (product plug!) - once you pop, you can't stop. Well yeah. That's pretty much what happens with me. I see something and then I settle into my chair to write and, before you know it, I have a rather respectable (in length, anyway) posting.

Since I didn't have the strength to even Google this evening, but still wanted to write about something, I figured a thank you was appropriate. And I can promise you this - as long as that little counter keeps ticking upward, I will keep on blogging.

Thanks for your support. You inspire me to continue with this little dream more than you know.

- The Incident

Would You Like the Bad News First, Or the Bad News First?

I'm pretty certain that, since 9/11, most Americans have thought the country would be hit by another terrorist attack. Frankly, after that horrendous day, I really thought that the country was just gonna' start getting hit left and right - mass transit, malls, more planes, etc. You name it, those miserable SOB's were gonna' try it.

Nearly 9 years later (I cannot believe it has been that long), I'm somewhat surprised that America hasn't been hit again. Hence, the bad news and the bad news.

I just read this article, compliments of CNN.com, which states that another terrorist attack in America in the next three to six months is "certain."

F*ck*ng fantastic.

But here's the other bad news. It looks like America gets to worry not only about planes being blown up mid-air or radicals strapping bombs to themselves and blowing up crowds, but also gets to add cyber terrorism to the list.

I'm going to be perfectly frank with you. Cyber terrorism scares the SH*T out of me. Not that the violent, horrible stuff and all the killing isn't scary - it absolutely is. And I hate it. And I wish there was a way to get get rid of the bad guys for good. But while violent attacks by air, land, or sea generally affect a few areas, the threat of cyber terrorism affects not only the entire United States of America, but all allies, and pretty much the world.

I like that we live in an age where we can blog, Tweet, use Facebook, pay our bills online, etc. But the fact that some hacker with dial-up in a third world country has the potential to launch some sort of computer virus which takes down all communications, all power grids, or really any sort of infrastructure anywhere, is absolutely mind boggling.

Take this under consideration: have you ever driven to work during rush hour when the program that automates traffic signals is down? People are backed up for miles, honking, cutting each other off - it's just chaotic. Could you just imagine if that happened on a large scale? Or worse, if it happened on a large scale in conjunction with a horrible attack when people are trying to evacuate an area or region?

This quote from Dennis Blair, Director of National Intelligence, should make people poop their pants:

"Sensitive information is stolen daily from both government and private sector networks, undermining confidence in our information systems, and in the very information these systems were intended to convey," Blair wrote. "We often find persistent, unauthorized, and at times, unattributable presences on exploited networks, the hallmark of an unknown adversary intending to do far more than merely demonstrate skill or mock a vulnerability."

Man ... I really hope that we have a few good hackers locked up in some prison somewhere that, if the time comes, can help any country that's being cyber attacked get back up and running.

And pardon me while I go clean myself up.

- The Incident

Touche, Milli Vanilli ... Touche

So the Grammy awards were last night. I'll be honest, I didn't watch. While I would have liked to catch the show, I had other things going on. From what I understand, though, it was quite the evening for breaking records! Beyonce winning more awards than any other female artist (6 total), and Taylor Swift being the youngest artist ever to take "Album of the Year."

Side Bar: I've seen some hating on Taylor Swift and I think it should be brought to EVERYONE'S attention that she is a mere twenty years old, writes her own stuff, sings her own stuff, and essentially serves as production manager for her live shows. She comes up with the concepts and designs the sets. She's dedicated to her craft and, whether or not you like her music, there aren't a whole lot of young women in the business with their heads screwed on straight. She doesn't go out drinking and partying and doing stupid sh*t. And when you're in the music industry and can manage to be young and stay grounded, then I think that deserves a Grammy of its own. "And the winner of the 'Kept-My-Sh*t-Together-All-Year-AND-Managed-to-Wear-Underwear-in-All-Paparazzi-Shots' goes to ..." Personally, I could take her music or leave it, but props to Taylor for being a decent role model.

Back to the title of this post. It has been 20 years since Milli Vanilli won their "Best New Artist" Grammy, and then subsequently had to return it as they didn't actually sing anything. Great article here with Fab Morvan (not sure if he's Milli or Vanilli - one of them died of a drug overdose, sadly), about how he's had to deal with the ups and downs since then. And more importantly, the changes in the industry and the music.

In the current music industry, it is very well known that a great deal of artists lip sync on stage. Presumably this is accepted because these artists actually sing in the studio. However, that's not always the case either.

There's this fancy gadget called "Auto Tune," which is an electronic program that runs an artist's voice through some systems to get everything, well, spot on. (We're not talking about that gimicky vocal thing they used to make "Believe" by Cher sound cool, we're talking about a tool that essentially makes your voice NOT your voice.)

What does the use of this "Auto Tune" thing really mean? Example: Paris Hilton put out an album a few years back. If Paris Hilton had a concert and tried to rock it sans Lip Syncing, men, women, children, and purse chihuahuas would run screaming for the hills. Because ... She. Can't. Actually. Sing. The "Auto Tune" and other audio programs took her voice and changed it. So that's not really Paris Hilton's voice on her album (although, she did provide the initial product). Producers took the base product and fixed it.

Also, I would like point out that, in the C&C Music Factory video for "Everybody Dance Now," the actual female vocalist was replaced in the video by a thinner, prettier version because the actual vocalist wasn't really seen as sellable - a little too hefty. And that's kind of what happened to Milli Vanilli. They looked better (at the time) than the real vocalists on those tracks. So some producer pulled them off the street, put them on the cover of an album, and let it ride.

Milli Vanilli could have taken a lot of other people down with them, but they didn't. Certainly they have a good amount of blame to share in the whole scandal, but there were others who they could have shared it with.

I guess my point here is, in a whole lot of cases, we're all getting Milli Vanilli-ed. We're being given a pretty/attractive, quasi-talented person or group of people who if you stopped them on the street and asked them to sing you your favorite song of theirs couldn't make it sound like the album version if their life depended on it.

- The Incident