Apologies to the Gulf Coast & Ball Bashing of BP

This is an open letter of apology from one humble blogger to the ENTIRE Gulf Coast of the United States of America. Your government seriously failed you during hurricanes Katrina and Rita. You suffered unimaginable losses - lives of people, homes, and a sense of security. But surely your government wouldn't fail you twice! That would be unheard of ...

In 1989, the Exxon Valdez disaster hit Alaska causing a ridiculous amount of damage to wildlife, the coastline, etc, etc. It was the worst oil spill in US history. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new winner. BP's spill into the Gulf of Mexico now holds that distinguished honor. And there are just a few questions I have ...

1) How in the hell do you people at BP sleep at night?
2) How can a company who's purpose is to pump OIL from the ground (on land and under sea) NOT have a whole huge fucking book of backup plans in case something goes wrong?
3) If the former President of Shell gasoline goes on TV and discusses a similar scenario that happened in the 90's in the Indian Ocean (I believe it was?), where they brought in Super Tankers that sucked the oily water up, separated oil from water, and put the water back in the ocean, WHY IN THE HELL CAN'T YOU PEOPLE DO THE SAME THING BEFORE MORE COASTLINE IS DESTROYED?
4) How can the Federal Government not have its own book of solutions in case an asinine company such as BP completely fucks up?
5) Do you realize it's more than just a few pelicans and dolphins that are going to be affected by this? I mean, you people do realize that the fisherman who make their living off of the waters of the Gulf are screwed. I mean, they've been screwed since Katrina, really. Since their homes were destroyed and no one has cared enough to help out and REALLY fix things down there. And now they aren't going to be able to support their families. It's not like you can be a shrimp boat captain one day and then, when there's a massive oil leak say, "I really think it's time I took up accounting," and just switch jobs.

I'm sorry, BP, but if one of your rigs explodes and drops that amount of oil into the ocean, it's your fault. You can't blame anyone else. Not the ocean, not Neptune, not a pesky lever that should have been recalled, not the team lead on the rig. In the end, the buck stops with YOU the company.

And you know what? You fuckers better not try and take your sweet ass time blaming someone else and trying NOT to pay the money that you need to pony up to help fix this problem immediately. Louisiana has been shit on enough recently. Christ, a lot of these people don't even have homes still. The touristy areas are back in swing, but walk a few blocks out and you can still see that New Orleans is in dire straights. Don't get on television and try to save face because in the MONTH PLUS that you assholes have been letting oil leak into the ocean because of a problem you were made aware of prior to the explosion on that rig (according to records), you have lost all credibility with the public. You need to pay up and pay up NOW to make things right. And you may want to throw a bone to the families of the 11 people who died on that rig because of your complete and utter incompetence.

And here's a special wish for BP's CEO, the federal regulators who got cozy with big oil, and BP's lawyers. I hope there's a special place in the afterlife for all of you and I'd imagine this place would be a combination of the post office on April 15th and the Department of Motor Vehicles on the last day of the month COMBINED. I hope this bureaucratic purgatory is staffed to the brim with the spirits of every last miserable government employee who spent their days in a constant state of rudeness at every counter. To top it off, I hope that this bureaucratic purgatory is also full of all the types of people who frighten you - people of color, welfare mothers with loud children, homeless people, oh, and the spirit of every last man, woman, child, animal, and fish whose life YOU destroyed by being completely and utterly negligent. And one more thing ... you assholes will stay in this bureaucratic purgatory forever. You'll be in your nicest suit, and your wallet will be endlessly full of $1 bills. And every other person who is in that bureaucratic purgatory will know it. You won't be able to hide your eyes and pretend they don't exist anymore.

I realize that, overall, America is a great nation. But sometimes I get so pissed that we send out help to every last natural disaster and humanitarian crisis on the planet, but we somehow just can't help ourselves.

If you want to help with the ongoing crisis in the Gulf, check out this site where you can report damage as a result of the oil spill and find ways to donate and volunteer. Also check out GreaterGood.org by clicking here as you can donate money to help with the clean up efforts (100% of the money goes to the charity).

So to the people of the Gulf, I am sorry that BP and your government are failing you yet again. This blogger is on your side. And to the people in charge at BP, I hope you all get a raging case of herpes from that hooker that your wife doesn't know about yet (but she will), and I hope you enjoy your time in my delightful little imaginary purgatory.

- The Incident

PS: If you'd like to get a laugh, and before Twitter shuts the account down, follow @BPGlobalPR. It's not the real BP, but the tweets indicate how I'd imagine BP is running things right about now.

HOLY SHIT, I HAVE A BLOG FOLLOWER!

So I signed in a little while ago to start working on a new blog entry and to clean up my layout a bit. You know, I figured if I wanted to be all fancy pants with this blogging thing, I should have a button on my blog for people to click on to follow me on Twitter. (Side bar: I am now completely addicted to Twitter and regularly kill my cell battery due to refreshing to see what my delightful 92 followers are up to!)

But lo and behold, upon my signing in, Blogger tells me that I have ::pause for dramatic effect:: a FOLLOWER. Not just a Twitter follower, but a blog follower!

So a BIG shoutout to follower numero uno, Jeff! Welcome to the wonderful world of The Incident. It's a pleasure to have you aboard this crazy ride! And thanks for the follow on Twitter too. If you ever have a topic that you'd like me to try and tackle here on The Incident Report, let me know.

OK. Fine. I know what you other skeptical bastards are thinking. "Come on, Incident, it's one person." Well go ahead you other people who stumble upon my blog and see this entry and laugh at me. But, to a novice blogger trying to find their way in this crazy thing the kids are calling the inter-web, having one person follow my BLOG, not just following me on Twitter, is a freaking honor. I now have a captive audience of AT LEAST one that I know I'm writing for. And that makes me want to keep writing.

To all you other novice bloggers out there, here's hoping you get your first Jeff.

- The Incident

Things That Make You Go Hmmm ... Part Deux

I haven't blogged in quite some time. I've been trying to find something to write about that would be worthy of whomever decided to make the 100th visit to my blog, but I think I've been suffering from writer's mono. It's much more serious than writers block, believe me. You're unable to lift heavy topics for blogging because your spleen might burst, and you're so tired you may just pass out at the keyboard.

I've asked my vastly expanded follower base on Twitter for a few suggestions (I appreciate you all!), but it appears that the idea well is a bit dry at the moment. I suppose that's to be expected. We are, after all, coming up on Memorial Day weekend so people are thinking about grilling, how they're going to fit into their swimsuits as that last minute bleach-banana-peel-and-cayenne-pepper cleanse diet just didn't quite do the trick, and battling the traffic on the roads. That being said, I think it's time I revisit "Things That Make You Go Hmmm" and put it in for a second installment. Below you will find a list of some more things that have made me go "hmmm" recently.

• Still wondering since I first wrote it, What, exactly, is Lady Gaga? And why do I keep buying his/her/its songs?
• Why am I so damned addicted to "Glee?"
• "Glee" will be featuring songs by Lady Gaga tonight. Did my mention of the above two bullet points just create a black hole in the universe?
• How is it that Heidi Montag Pratt decided to follow me on Twitter?
• Who has their head shoved further up their collective asses in relation to the BP Oil spill - BP for not having a book FULL of contingency plans in case there was an oil spill, the Federal Government for not having their own book AND for now having to rely on BP's non-existent book of contingency plans, or Sarah Palin for saying that this whole thing is the Fed's fault. (I'm sorry, lady, but weren't you creaming your GOP purchased panties whenever a crowd broke out into "Drill Baby, Drill!" not all that long ago?)
• Two words. Rand Paul.
• Three words. The Tea Party.
• Why do I find it so difficult to be snarky and witty in the maximum 140 characters when I Tweet?
• Why am I hungry right now? I just ate something. Damnit.
• How did Paris Hilton's full album get on to my iPod?
• Where should I go on vacation this summer? I really have to get away ...
• Do my Twitter followers and readers of this blog wonder if I'm a chick or a dude or if I'm more than one person?
• Is "Things That Make You Go Hmmm" going to be a regular blog post here at "The Incident Report?"
• What asshole at Millions of Milkshakes decided that Perez Hilton fell into the "celebrity" category and let him come up with his own milkshake flavor?
• If I could be a celebrity, what would my milkshake flavor be?
• Why haven't I won the lottery yet? Statistics be damned!
• Why can't a judge send Lindsay Lohan to jail before she kills someone or herself?
• When will I do the next installment of "Things That Make You Go Hmmm?"

Tune in regularly to find out. Remember, if you have a topic that you'd like me to try and conquer here at The Incident Report, send it to me on Twitter where you can find me as @IncidentReport. Thanks for your support and see you in cyberspace!

- The Incident

License and Registration, Please

No one likes to get pulled over by the cops. If you're anything like me, you start thinking about any possible illegal thing that you may have done in the past, oh, I don't know, five years. "There was that one time that I jay walked," or "Damnit, I was indeed talking on my cellphone without using an ear piece." Sometimes I even get so paranoid that I start thinking along the lines of, "Do I look like anyone on the current FBI's Most Wanted List," or "This cop is going to think that I am reaching for something other than the registration that I keep in my glove compartment and I'm going to get tazered in the back of the head." (Side bar: Why is it called the "glove compartment?" I don't know anyone with hands big enough to need gloves of that magnitude, except for Sasquatch, and he doesn't do a whole lot of driving.)

I must say that I haven't been pulled over many times in my life - I am a pretty decent driver. The four times that I can recall were for the following reasons:

• Blowing off a red light at 3:30 AM when there were absolutely no other drivers on the road ... except for the car that I watched pull up behind me at the light after double checking to make sure it WASN'T a cop (damnit). I was lucky enough not to get a ticket that time, but got verbal warning. And as a result, no matter WHAT time it is, I don't blow off red lights (unless I'm already moving on a yellow light).
• Speeding. There was a car that had been in front of me (going down a mountain, literally) that kept slamming on its breaks and there was a cop behind me. When I got off the mountain, I passed the car in front of me and took off - I needed some space between our cars because I was really irritated. And then the cop pulled me over. That time I got two written warnings. One for the speeding (although the cop never bothered to tell me how fast I was going, nor did he write it down on the warning), and another for not having proof of insurance even though it wasn't my car and my friend had thrown out the most current insurance card and kept the expired one. Stellar. But now a days, I really won't go more than 5 over on residential streets and no more than 10 over on the highways.
• Following too closely. Yeah ... apparently I was following a police officer too closely. She didn't feel that I had left enough space in between her cruiser and my car. At one point, she slammed on her breaks to try and get me to rear-end her (which she actually told me when she pulled me over was my "warning" - I had thought she was trying to miss a squirrel). I quite honestly didn't know I was tailgating and when I asked her what the legal space was for traveling behind a police officer, she told me 250 feet. When I later looked it up, that space requirement was for officers responding to an emergency with lights and sirens (she had neither on). She gave me a written warning. And as a result, I now make sure that there's three seconds of space in between me and the car in front of me, and at stops I make sure I can see the bottoms of the back tires of the car in front of me.
• Failure to come to a complete stop at a stop sign. This one I got a ticket for (despite the fact that I thought I was going to pee my pants and was less than a minute from my house which is the whole reason I didn't stop all the way at the sign - cop didn't buy it). The most irritating thing about this one is that my father had the trap set (he's not a cop, just a neighborhood watch type of guy). There were a lot of complaints of people blowing off that stop sign, so he got the trap set. OH, and he forgot to tell me about it. Stellar. But now, I come to a complete stop at all stop signs. Which, I might add, gets me beeped at, cussed at, etc. I had one person speed past me, hang out their window, cuss me off, give me the finger, lay on their horn, ALL IN THE OTHER LANE OF ON COMING TRAFFIC, and then cut me off while blowing through the next stop sign. The one where I, again, came to a complete stop. Where was a cop then?

I guess you could say that all of the times I've been pulled over really did teach me a lesson. Sometimes I wonder if it works on other drivers. I'm guessing probably not.

The one thing that pisses me off beyond belief is that people STILL talk on their cell phones without a head piece (regardless of whether or not it's legal or illegal to do so in your state). I know the research says that the distraction is less to do with holding the phone and more to do with the conversation, but there is no need to add to the chaos by taking a hand off the wheel to hold the phone. USE AN EARPIECE! I also hate the fact that I can drive by 5 cops in a day and every damn one of them is on their cell phone and also NOT using an ear piece. ARGH!

No matter how many times I've been pulled over though, I still feel like I'm going to hurl. I get freaked out and think that I'm going to be dragged "downtown," accused of a crime I didn't commit, the object of mistaken identity with no alibi to make everything go away and an incompetent legal aid attorney that wouldn't be able to get the judge to give me bail.

And then I think, "Man ... I watch way too much 'Law & Order'."

- The Incident

Weird News Day

So I've been sitting here for a little bit, trying to figure out what I could possibly blog about today. Usually I look to the news (CNN.com, FOX.com, Google News, etc.) for inspiration. But alas, the only thing that is striking me is that pretty much EVERYTHING is weird news today.

Take for example, the current front page of CNN.com (as pictured above). When I arrived and scrolled down to the "Don't Miss" section, I found the following: a story detailing "What those Dreams Really Mean" (translation: why it's a bad idea to eat 3 Chalupas and drink a large milkshake right before bed), a story quoting Bret Michaels statement that he's "lucky to be alive" (side bar: No shit he's lucky to be alive. And I'm not talking about the recent bleeding from his brain stem. Bless his heart, he seems to be a good guy but what with having diabetes and partying like the rock star he is, I'm amazed he's lasted this long!), and a headline reading, "New Dating Site for Apple Lovers" (which means that there really IS some truth to that "I'm a Mac," "I'm a PC" nonsense after all).

But I think my favorite WTF news headline is for a video, which I refuse to watch, entitled, "Fans toss panties, bras, at rapper Drake."

I will repeat that.

"Fans toss panties, bras, at rapper Drake."

I realize that the big news about the Times Square Would-be-Bomber and the tragedy in Tennessee get the top billing (as they should), but usually the section right below contains ACTUAL news. Not just silly filler. There's other crap in there that makes me shake my head.

Honestly, after seeing that crap, I think I'm spent. My brain now hurts. I have brain freeze without the benefit of having enjoyed a delightfully cold beverage and/or snack. How could the editorial staff at CNN.com say, "By God, we have to run the bit about the ladies throwing their undergarments at that rapper!" Bastards.

- The Incident

Lions and Tigers and Pollen, Oh My ... Wait. What?

Once again, at the request of a dedicated Twitter follower, I am writing today's blog post on the topic of allergies.

While I do believe that flowers have a certain appeal and while I do enjoy the shade of a tree in the summertime, I really wish there was an alternate to the yearly explosion of pollen from grass, trees, and the like. I hate the bi-yearly tradition where I fall into a miserable tailspin of watery eyes, sneezing fits, and using enough Kleenex (product plug!) that really has me considering buying stock in the company in the spring and in the fall.

What I would really like to know is just where in the hell my body stores all the snot that comes out of my head when my allergies kick in. I have been known to use a box of Kleenex in less than 8 hours. Sneeze, blow my nose, sneeze, blow my nose, blow my nose some more, sneeze, blow my brains out of my nostrils, sneeze, sneeze, sneeze, eyes start watering, sneeze, sneeze. By the time I'm done, it's a miracle that I am still hydrated and haven't lost 3 to 5 pounds.

Claratin (product plug!) is a life saver, in my humble opinion. Thank GOD that company wised up and started to let people buy it without having to have a prescription. I'm sure they're selling tons of it now. And I'll tell you what, it does work in a pinch!

I don't really understand the science behind pollen - the different types, etc. But I can tell you this. I was taking a drive with a friend this past weekend and we had the windows down in the car. All of the sudden, I smelled something (no one farted, it wasn't a skunk) and my friend's eyes started watering uncontrollably, then I started in with my sneezing symphony. There was a distinct plant-blooming type smell that hit us like a brick wall. It was the first time that had ever happened to me, but by God, I'm glad that whatever that pollen producing plant was isn't blooming in my back yard! It was a miracle that we were able to stay on the road. Stupid pollen. Stupid allergies.

- The Incident