Apologies to the Gulf Coast & Ball Bashing of BP

This is an open letter of apology from one humble blogger to the ENTIRE Gulf Coast of the United States of America. Your government seriously failed you during hurricanes Katrina and Rita. You suffered unimaginable losses - lives of people, homes, and a sense of security. But surely your government wouldn't fail you twice! That would be unheard of ...

In 1989, the Exxon Valdez disaster hit Alaska causing a ridiculous amount of damage to wildlife, the coastline, etc, etc. It was the worst oil spill in US history. Well, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a new winner. BP's spill into the Gulf of Mexico now holds that distinguished honor. And there are just a few questions I have ...

1) How in the hell do you people at BP sleep at night?
2) How can a company who's purpose is to pump OIL from the ground (on land and under sea) NOT have a whole huge fucking book of backup plans in case something goes wrong?
3) If the former President of Shell gasoline goes on TV and discusses a similar scenario that happened in the 90's in the Indian Ocean (I believe it was?), where they brought in Super Tankers that sucked the oily water up, separated oil from water, and put the water back in the ocean, WHY IN THE HELL CAN'T YOU PEOPLE DO THE SAME THING BEFORE MORE COASTLINE IS DESTROYED?
4) How can the Federal Government not have its own book of solutions in case an asinine company such as BP completely fucks up?
5) Do you realize it's more than just a few pelicans and dolphins that are going to be affected by this? I mean, you people do realize that the fisherman who make their living off of the waters of the Gulf are screwed. I mean, they've been screwed since Katrina, really. Since their homes were destroyed and no one has cared enough to help out and REALLY fix things down there. And now they aren't going to be able to support their families. It's not like you can be a shrimp boat captain one day and then, when there's a massive oil leak say, "I really think it's time I took up accounting," and just switch jobs.

I'm sorry, BP, but if one of your rigs explodes and drops that amount of oil into the ocean, it's your fault. You can't blame anyone else. Not the ocean, not Neptune, not a pesky lever that should have been recalled, not the team lead on the rig. In the end, the buck stops with YOU the company.

And you know what? You fuckers better not try and take your sweet ass time blaming someone else and trying NOT to pay the money that you need to pony up to help fix this problem immediately. Louisiana has been shit on enough recently. Christ, a lot of these people don't even have homes still. The touristy areas are back in swing, but walk a few blocks out and you can still see that New Orleans is in dire straights. Don't get on television and try to save face because in the MONTH PLUS that you assholes have been letting oil leak into the ocean because of a problem you were made aware of prior to the explosion on that rig (according to records), you have lost all credibility with the public. You need to pay up and pay up NOW to make things right. And you may want to throw a bone to the families of the 11 people who died on that rig because of your complete and utter incompetence.

And here's a special wish for BP's CEO, the federal regulators who got cozy with big oil, and BP's lawyers. I hope there's a special place in the afterlife for all of you and I'd imagine this place would be a combination of the post office on April 15th and the Department of Motor Vehicles on the last day of the month COMBINED. I hope this bureaucratic purgatory is staffed to the brim with the spirits of every last miserable government employee who spent their days in a constant state of rudeness at every counter. To top it off, I hope that this bureaucratic purgatory is also full of all the types of people who frighten you - people of color, welfare mothers with loud children, homeless people, oh, and the spirit of every last man, woman, child, animal, and fish whose life YOU destroyed by being completely and utterly negligent. And one more thing ... you assholes will stay in this bureaucratic purgatory forever. You'll be in your nicest suit, and your wallet will be endlessly full of $1 bills. And every other person who is in that bureaucratic purgatory will know it. You won't be able to hide your eyes and pretend they don't exist anymore.

I realize that, overall, America is a great nation. But sometimes I get so pissed that we send out help to every last natural disaster and humanitarian crisis on the planet, but we somehow just can't help ourselves.

If you want to help with the ongoing crisis in the Gulf, check out this site where you can report damage as a result of the oil spill and find ways to donate and volunteer. Also check out GreaterGood.org by clicking here as you can donate money to help with the clean up efforts (100% of the money goes to the charity).

So to the people of the Gulf, I am sorry that BP and your government are failing you yet again. This blogger is on your side. And to the people in charge at BP, I hope you all get a raging case of herpes from that hooker that your wife doesn't know about yet (but she will), and I hope you enjoy your time in my delightful little imaginary purgatory.

- The Incident

PS: If you'd like to get a laugh, and before Twitter shuts the account down, follow @BPGlobalPR. It's not the real BP, but the tweets indicate how I'd imagine BP is running things right about now.